Friday, June 17, 2011

I Turn You On, You Turn Me On (To Knowledge)

Disclaimer: If this makes me a nerd, then there are a lot of nerds out there that are not owning up to their nerddom - and in that case, if everyone's a nerd, aren't we all really...normal? Scratch that, not just normal, but actually really, really cool? Good thing it doesn't matter and we should all stop obsessing about what other people think of us all the freakin' time, anyway.

Ahem. Moving on. A lot of couples have jealousy issues and become irrationally (or sometimes, rationally) wary of their partner's close friends. The only thing in my life that The Boy needs to worry about is The History Channel. Because we are in throes of something pretty deep and passionate, and pretty much anytime I'm not with The Boy, you better believe I'm snuggled in with this hot lil' number.

I feel I should broaden to fully explain, because The History Channel v.2.0 is not what I'm talking about. As you may now, THC (not the substance in weed - history produces a different high) has undergone some changes. And I'm trying to be a supportive companion, but we're just not fully on the same page anymore. You know what I'm talking about: "American Pickers." "Ice Road Truckers." THC, you are not TLC. And that's a good thing. So stop trying to include this "original programming" in your already gloriously resplendent lineup. And if I channel-surf upon your regal little "H" in the bottom corner of the screen sharing space with Larry the Cable Guy one more time...we need to Talk

Gimme what I want - computer-generated maps, weird old professors in sweater-vests and reenactments! Oh, the reenactments you provide me at 3am are so titillating. Why yes, I would like to watch a bullet zip across a Virginia battlefield, p.o.v. style, to meet the collarbone of a strapping young Confederate soldier. What's that? It's time to analyze how the musket bullet exploded through bone inside the body? Time for more computer graphics? Bring. It. On.

And it's not just war documentaries that get me going, becuase let's be honest, sometimes the facts and figures are a bit too much. I'm not really feeling the whole "military strategy" thing. But simply balance that out with some sociocultural trends and personal anecdotes and we are open for business. What about dinosaurs, you ask? Any dinosaurs/sciency space documentaries count as sociocultural because there weren't people around to talk about. So I give them a thumbs up.

So when the channel itself fails to meet my expectations (i.e. "Pawn Stars"), there's always Netflix Watch Instantly, which provides me with endless THC documentaries at any time of day (or, most typically, night). This is especially dangerous because when do I stop?! The answer is never. OR when I accidentally fall asleep to something traumatic like Auschwitz death camps, have disturbing nightmares merging my dysfucntional psyche and Ken Burns, and end up kicking my laptop off my bed in the night. Either/or.

So the next time I bust out some awesome facts (how many swings of the hammer did it take to build the Transcontinental Railroad? 2 million!), be gentle. Share a fact of your own, because I know other people watch THC. If we all come out about our open relationships with the network, we can add to our shared human experience. Or...I can just feel more socially appropriate. Either/or.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Clinging to Business Casual

What has happened in the past 2 1/2 months? So much, and yet so little. I'm sorry I've neglected this little guy...that's pretty poor form as a blogger.

Well, here I am again, with a June-relevant topic to discuss - summer professional wear. Can we ever win? The answer is no. Also, chances are good you'll probably spend at least a portion of the day publicly, uncontrollably sweating.*

I recently acquired a summer job in an office where I have my own little fake walls in neutral tones with access to things like Wite-Out (a true sign of an official desk job - and by the by, the product has gotten fancier). I quickly realized that it is not appropriate to cycle various "dressy" tees with the same pair of completely worn out navy cords that are literally on their last thread. Seriously. If I bend over, censor bars are necessary.

So a shopping trip was in order. It ended at Land's End for many reasons, including the fact that "fun summer capris" at any given location don't fit over my calves. My calves did NOT make the cut in this spring's fashion trends. They're sad about it. Also, Land's End had some sales. I haven't been there since my mom made me purchase a monogrammed backpack for first grade after my kindergarten, fun-time, pink plastic backpack wasn't "durable enough." I also spent much of my elementary days wearing long stretchy skirts and turtlenecks from the L'sE. Rough times. I wasn't expecting much this time around, either.

But hey now! I scored some cute dresses that, at the time, I deemed work-appropriate. Mostly becuase it was L'sE. Mostly because they don't really have a permit to sell shnazzy going-out dresses. So I purchased three neutral-toned dresses to pair with coordinating cardigans. It all felt so right - I was practically scheduling meetings through Outlook Express and heating up Lean Cuisines in the dressing room.

It has only gone downhill from there. Dress 1, Day 1: The Boy and I went out for breakfast and he informed me he could see my boob. Congrats to him, but I had to hop in my car and face my male bosses. It's not my fault there's a boobage sitch when wrapping is involved! How did I know a slightly different bra would make such a sexy difference?!

Dress 2, Day 2: This stretchy little number accentuated my waist panty lines. How sensual. My hips looked like they were vibrating when I walked. How do I know? After briefly noticing this may be a problem, I practiced walking in the bathroom mirror. Ignorance is bliss.

And now, Dress 3, Day 3: Another amusing morning for The Boy, when we first discovered that I couldn't bend over or sit in it. Then, I realized all of my cardigans have a differnet neckline than said dress (easy to overlook, but apparently a big deal) so now I'm rocking sleeveless?! That's how you know things really went south. Thank God for the belt. That's the only thing holding it all together. ...Literally.

So what am I wearing tomorrow? The cords. Turns out that's the least obscene of all and I really shouldn't deviate from what I know. I'd say that if I didn't have to "shop on a budget" or "had more time" I would be able to do the whole summeryadorablesmellinglikefresianaturally thing, but we all know these are just excuses. Too bad Wite-Out doesn't work on fashion.

*Don't act like it doesn't happen to you all the time. I see your upper lip, and I raise you a hairline.