Friday, June 17, 2011

I Turn You On, You Turn Me On (To Knowledge)

Disclaimer: If this makes me a nerd, then there are a lot of nerds out there that are not owning up to their nerddom - and in that case, if everyone's a nerd, aren't we all really...normal? Scratch that, not just normal, but actually really, really cool? Good thing it doesn't matter and we should all stop obsessing about what other people think of us all the freakin' time, anyway.

Ahem. Moving on. A lot of couples have jealousy issues and become irrationally (or sometimes, rationally) wary of their partner's close friends. The only thing in my life that The Boy needs to worry about is The History Channel. Because we are in throes of something pretty deep and passionate, and pretty much anytime I'm not with The Boy, you better believe I'm snuggled in with this hot lil' number.

I feel I should broaden to fully explain, because The History Channel v.2.0 is not what I'm talking about. As you may now, THC (not the substance in weed - history produces a different high) has undergone some changes. And I'm trying to be a supportive companion, but we're just not fully on the same page anymore. You know what I'm talking about: "American Pickers." "Ice Road Truckers." THC, you are not TLC. And that's a good thing. So stop trying to include this "original programming" in your already gloriously resplendent lineup. And if I channel-surf upon your regal little "H" in the bottom corner of the screen sharing space with Larry the Cable Guy one more time...we need to Talk

Gimme what I want - computer-generated maps, weird old professors in sweater-vests and reenactments! Oh, the reenactments you provide me at 3am are so titillating. Why yes, I would like to watch a bullet zip across a Virginia battlefield, p.o.v. style, to meet the collarbone of a strapping young Confederate soldier. What's that? It's time to analyze how the musket bullet exploded through bone inside the body? Time for more computer graphics? Bring. It. On.

And it's not just war documentaries that get me going, becuase let's be honest, sometimes the facts and figures are a bit too much. I'm not really feeling the whole "military strategy" thing. But simply balance that out with some sociocultural trends and personal anecdotes and we are open for business. What about dinosaurs, you ask? Any dinosaurs/sciency space documentaries count as sociocultural because there weren't people around to talk about. So I give them a thumbs up.

So when the channel itself fails to meet my expectations (i.e. "Pawn Stars"), there's always Netflix Watch Instantly, which provides me with endless THC documentaries at any time of day (or, most typically, night). This is especially dangerous because when do I stop?! The answer is never. OR when I accidentally fall asleep to something traumatic like Auschwitz death camps, have disturbing nightmares merging my dysfucntional psyche and Ken Burns, and end up kicking my laptop off my bed in the night. Either/or.

So the next time I bust out some awesome facts (how many swings of the hammer did it take to build the Transcontinental Railroad? 2 million!), be gentle. Share a fact of your own, because I know other people watch THC. If we all come out about our open relationships with the network, we can add to our shared human experience. Or...I can just feel more socially appropriate. Either/or.

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